The Expert of Incompetence

I’ve been reading so much about backpacking and talking to everyone and their grandma about backpacking that I’m declaring myself the official expert on everything backpacking. Ask me anything about backpacking, I’ll have an answer! Go ahead, ask me! Why do people wear those goofy wide-brimmed hats? Well, aside from the obvious shield your eyes from the sun part, when it rains it’s nice to not have your sweat washed into your eyes constantly…and it keeps the rain from getting inside the neck of your jacket. Why not wear the hood that comes with your rainjacket? Well, I wear that too, but have you ever hike around with a good waterproof jacket hood on? You can’t hear shit. If you’re hiking with a friend, it makes conversation a royal pain in the ass. If you’re alone, not being able to hear the forest takes you out of the experience a bit. I would often be soaked in the neck and back area because I love the sound of rain in a forest.
Since I know everything there is to know, I should be able to construct a small village with a working plumbing system out of two banana leaves, a small twig and some duct tape, right? Wrong. All my knowledge is pretty much worth crap and has zero practical application. I know this because my buddy told me I should try to put my tent together before my first trip…and I did. My tent is a simple REI tent with two poles. It took me freaking one hour to put that damned thing up. That’s half an hour per pole! Was I drunk? No. Was I stoned? No, I wish I could yes because then I don’t have to admit I am completely incompetent at putting up a god damned tent.
Step 1) Insert either one of the two poles into the hole where it was obviously put there for your stupid tent pole to go into.
Step 2) Repeat with other pole and tent is built.
I was confused by this…it would appear I have a defective tent. There is not a hole where the pole should go in. Maybe I have the wrong one of “either one of the two poles” in hand. Yeah…switched poles. Maybe if I stare at the tent long enough, a hole will open up and the tent will build itself and a small dove will fly out…or I can just go to the other side of the tent where the hole was made. *sob* Future Awesome Boyscout of America, I will never be. I’ll just have to console myself with the fact that I boil some mean water.
I went to REI to pick up some “snow stakes” for my tent because according to my buddy, I need a different type of stake when I camp on snowy grounds. I get there and the REI guy asked me, “Which kind?” I told him I honestly don’t know, so he tried to sell me a couple unused store shelves. Then I asked him about a first aid kit, they have a rack full of them, with full lobotomy surgery in the woods type kit. I told him I just needed a basic kit because if anything were to go wrong, I’m pretty sure I’ll die, but I’d liked to apply a small band-aid on my forehead before I go unconscious. He said, “Yeah, you gotta look like you’ve at least tried.”