I'm So Sexy It Hurts

I smell like ammonia. It’s my secksi new perfum called “AfterBite”. I found out that perhaps my bonking out half-way through my workout yesterday might be due to the severe blood-loss from feeding too fucking much mosquitoes on my trip. They were everywhere.
I was smart enough to have picked up a bottle of Jungle Juice the day of my trip which helped immensely, but those bastards were persistent. They just hovered until they found a spot that I’ve missed. Like the small of my back – because dudes camping, they don’t sit around rubbing oil and stuff on each other. And my ass, because dropping my pants to rub DEET on it seems a little…unseemly.
So I now smell like freshly mopped linoleum, am covered in bug bites, and possess hair that feel like crunchy straw from being baked in salt and sweat for three days. God damned, I sound hot. Oh yeah, men, if you come after me now, I’ll even throw in some bonus dirt in the nails and a bruise on the knee. Yech...
I left work early yesterday to grab some dinner with my sister. She mentioned wanting to see a certain movie so I said fine. She wanted to see “Devil Wears Prada”. I’ll have to admit, when I first saw the preview for that, I thought, who the fuck is going to want to see that. I squirmed for a moment, but then thought maybe I could use the estrogen boost and lots of chick flicks are perfectly charming. After watching that movie, I think my IQ went down a few points, my estrogen level is boosted by 50%, and I think your shoes are ugly.