10 Rules of “The” Talk

I’m a straight woman that is slowly being driven insane by my female friends, sister and mom by their need to have “the” talk about everything. I can’t imagine this talking thing is doing the guys a favor either. So I’m thinking maybe there should be some kind of rules established.

1) No talking about problems that can NOT be resolved (e.g. the dude has a small penis). Live with it or move on. If the guy has a family member that you can’t stand, I’ll help you bury the body, but please don’t tell about what terrible new thing this relative-of-your-current-boyfriend did every time I see you.

2) The statute of limitation on complaining about other people’s or my poor behavior is 24 hours. Call me when I’ve sobered up to tell me I was being a little shit, I will apologize. If you’re telling me that something I did a week ago bugged you, I will pretend you didn’t say a word. If you’re telling your boyfriend something he did at this other party a month ago that irked you, I will cut in and ask you why are you doing this. Boys are like bad puppies, if you don’t scold them soon after the incident, you’ve missed your chance. Let it go!

3) If nothing has changed, you’re only allowed to talk about the same thing at MOST three times. I’m a reasonable girl friend; I understand girls like to ruminate. I’ve read enough studies to understand girls do this twice as much as guys. So yeah, let’s rehash a few things if you like. Just don’t sound like a broken record.

4) Unless someone died, don’t call me at work to talk about things. I’m sorry your kitty got pneumonia, I’m even more sorry that you have pneumonia, but I need to pay my bills. I work 10-6, M-F, you can call me any other time. I will be happy to bring you flowers after I get off work.

5) I reserve all rights to postpone the talk. It doesn't mean I hate you, it doesn't mean I don't care enough to talk to you about something that obviously means a lot to you, it simply means I wish to talk at a later time. Sometimes I recognize that certain talk will take longer than I have time for at the moment, sometimes I'm a little too hopped up to talk. Give me a moment and I will come back to you on that.

6) When I’m in crunch mode at work, leave me alone! Seriously, when I’m working 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week, it’s not because I hate talking to you so much that I would rather be at work. I would almost be willing to sit around and try to have an intelligent conversation with Flavor Fave, Vanilla Ice or Britney Spear’s husband, than to constantly work those hours. When I’m that overworked, the last thing I want to do is to explain for the 500^th time why I can’t hangout. This doesn’t happen that often, but I’m seriously not even human during this time, so why deal with me?

7) If there is an obvious solution, let’s not dwell on the non-solution. Most problems have a black or white solution, pick one. My friend has been complaining about a worker she hired since the day she hired him. A year later it seems like she’s had it with him, he’s making too much demands and not putting in enough work to make those demands. I said, “Fire him.” She pauses in shock after ranting about him for two hours straight, “Oh no, I can’t, I absolutely need him.” I’m wondering how many shots will it take to get me drunk real fast, and why the hell did we spend the last two hours talking about why he’s not a good worker. If the only solution is the keep him, then we should have been talking about how she can keep him happy without giving into all his demands. I don’t have another two hours to waste.

8) If you don’t honestly plan to do anything about it, don’t bring it up. Say your boyfriend is a lying cheating bastard or he can’t perform in bed, if you want to cry about it so that you’ll find the courage to leave him, go for it, I’ll buy the next five rounds of tequila, vodka, anything, your choice--I'll even do a rinse-repeat when you chicken out! If you want to cry about it just to cry about it and next day you’re smiling at the ass-hat, let’s just stop it right there.

9) Don’t develop solution amnesia. If we talked about a problem and we actually came to some kind of resolution, don’t bring it up again like we’ve never talked about it. If you’re prone to black-out drunkenness, don’t drink so much, it’s not good for you.

10) If it can be solved by us stumbling around town and getting completely smashed, do so. My five-foot frame would be more than happy to drag your drunk-ass around. If we agree to not “talk”, I’ll even buy you drinks all night.

I love you ladies. I like having female friends. I have a great relationship with my sister. It’s just that every time I have these “talks” with you, I feel so drained…like all my life force has been sucked out of me. I do care about you, I just know that your problems are ultimately yours to deal with and that while I’m being drained by this, I can’t actually “do” anything about it. Keep in mind, these are not hard and fast rules, I simply need more recovery time when rules are not observed. Let’s just keep all the talks and stuff to a reasonable limit. I’ve found that the older I get, the more I’m developing a Pavlovian response, I start cringing inwardly and feel this urge to claw at the door and run the hell out whenever I feel a “talk” coming on. I’ll accept “Never” as a reasonable time to have the next talk.